Every Day

Every single day I say aloud, "I hate myself." Every single day I think either, "Just do it,"  or "Get it done."  I try to decide how, the choices are so many.  Every single day I hope for a better tomorrow.  Hump. Someday I will stop  every single day.

Never Home

Got dropped off at my place last night after a OK Italian dinner.  I had spaghetti with pesto really bland but after I doctored it with lots of parmesan, salt and pepper, and hot pepper corn it was almost good.  My dining partner had spaghetti with red meat sauce with added broccoli.  We both had salad and split a desert.  She paid, I'm broke. then she drop me home.  Started watching a movie wanting to make myself very tired before I went to bed.  When I nodded off after only a third of latest Pirates of the Caribbean I was glad that I wouldn't be up and in my own head very late.  Just not use to being home alone.  

There was a half hearted offer to stay the night at her place.   I reluctantly agreed with her to take me home.  Obviously I would've rather gone to her place but having been there for over 3 weeks and she was saying she needed, "some alone time."  I would have to suck it up.  The thing is, alone time is what I'm trying to avoid.   I do share a nice apt. with my brother and I think he is a big A-hole and of course there is the depression thing that keeps me from not wanting to be alone.   Hate my living situation in and outside of my head and home

Home is not were my heart is.  The heart hurts at home where my brother once stated, "You are dead to me." (Love you too)  At home there are no words of any kind.  No acknowledgments of any kind are ever past between us.  More importantly; right now my head and heart are struggling with a breakup from woman that love was acknowledged by my heart.  My head wasn't smart enough to do what she needed.  To make and excuse for that, the heart is also dealing with my health fears.  My heart is also fighting with the lack of self-confidence that possesses my entire being.   It is painful, the lack will to live my life.  There is little or no drive that exist within me these days.  The little there is,  goes to ride my bike or workout.   That is something.

Not enough.  When I awoke at 3am this morning I was in quite a bit of pain.  My left side Latissimus dorsi  muscle ached sharply from yesterdays workout and sleeping on my futon with its wood frame.  What little sleep there was, was pitiful and painful till 7:30am when I took a hydrocodone thinking I should take the rest of them.  Yes suicide was the prevailing thought in my head this morning.  Has been and more than usual sense the breakup.  Made myself not count the remaining pills but guessed at about 20.  Plenty.  After laying there a while longer I made myself get up to clean my room or play the guitar. 

Damn I was feeling lonely.  Still am I guess.  I choose to clean the room because I couldn't lay there any longer and didn't want to look at nor smell the stuff that piled up for weeks from my running in grabbing and dropping off clothing then rushing out.  While cleaning I couldn't help but realize that I would have make a decision soon.  I will have to either get the suicide done or get some help.

It's Been A While

This summer I've been going after fun for the most part.  I stop short of trying for total fun for 3 reasons;  1. I don't live comfortably at the place.  2. I've had 2 accidents on my bike already.  Broke my wrist on the second accidents.  The cast comes off August 30. in time for the end of the summer rides.  3. My liver function numbers are elevated.  I've had to get blood sucked out of me every week for the last 9.  

Summer because of it's weather is for out doors. Unless you live in the southwest and the temps are in the 100s.  For me, in Chicago, the weather has been good, a little rainy which made for luscious greens.  Just got back from a walk in the neighborhood park.  The part looks great.   Would've been great to be riding my bike these last 5 weeks.  So instead of riding around the north shore I spent time in the health club.  

Evanston Athletic Club (EAC) helped keep me in shape (some.)   Got me doing something other that walking in the park which I really like but it ain't riding.  There is also all those athletic women at EAC.   Way more fun than going for blood drawls.  Speaking of women,  this summer I had the pleasure of  the company of 2 great women. No!  I'm was only having sex with one of them.  The other has been a very good friend.   All this is part of the plan to keep my mind moving in a positive direction.  

It worked.  This summer has been good for me mentally had fun for a lot of it.  Now bring on the rest of it. 

         

A Bad Night

There was a struggle in side my head last night.  The kind of struggle that we all know ain't healthy. One part of the mind thinking the strictly negative.  Another fighting to keep rational thoughts flowing.  In a corner shrieking, shrinking, and sinking was love.  

With the events of the day sparking thoughts of worthlessness. Another argument with my brother about money.  Somehow I've got to move out.  For the first time in my life I hate someone more than I hate myself.     Negativity had control of my thoughts as I fell asleep around 9pm. Those thoughts disturbed most of my dream time.  I awoke at 1am with the thought, "I'm ready to die."  The pain in my right leg and shoulder from the bike a accident.3 day earlier and 3 ibuprofen did not help get me back to sleep.  So I lay there thinking, of course, that gave the negativity more strength and drive.  

Rational thought reminded me that I need help. Also in my head was the thought, 'As long as I don't have a plan then I'm alright. Right?  All I need to do is to first deal with the money shit.  How would I do that?  Get a job? Sure I'm working on it.  In the meantime I needed to stop this pain in my shoulder so I can turn so I can turn onto my side.  Mostly I needed to stop this worthlessness that  permeates my low self esteem.  Finish this glass of wine on the bedside table. Then maybe come up with a plan to do that suicide.

Yeah I know it's when you got a plan is when your in trouble.  I don't have one yet, not fully.  I did rule out guns. I got this thing about a soul needing time to leave the body. A bullet would be to fast.  I'm toying with doing it in my sleep with pills. Yesterday I walked to the bank on the way I had to crossed a canal.  Yeah I thought of jumping and George Bailey and there was no Clarence.  Drowning would be too slow and I think painful.

So I'm working on it.and my rational thought is too. It keeps saying fight for the things you love. There are a few I love.  I won't get into that now, now I'm going just try to put light in that corner where the love is.

Accident

I've been keeping myself busy lately.  Not just to fight off depression, summer is coming and I have a gut. A little one but it's there.  I've been doing 5 and 6 mile walks once or twice a week.  Making it to the health club 3 and 4 times a week.  Mostly I was getting miles in on bike.  Until Wednesday.  That's when it all came to a painful stop.

It was on a Evanston Bike Club fast Wednesday ride.  40 miles round trip from Wilmette IL to Lake Bluff and back.  I did half the ride.  We were on the Skokie Vallie bike trail doing a pace line.  The rider ahead of me, don't want to name names, (Alice) clipped the rider ahead of her back wheel and down she went.  With my front wheel less than a wheel length from her's, and moving at 17.5 mph, when she went down blocking the path I went down.

Gloved hands on the ground no problem. Right knee that I had wrapped an ace bandage around because it was a little sore before I pulled on my cool weather tights, hit the ground ouch! big time.  I thought I'd really recked my knee for a few mins. I saw a peace of my bike on the ground and felt nothing.  Alice kept apologizing  to me to the point where other riders were telling her to shut-up!

I got up, checked my bike, my body and was ready to ride.  Alice bleeding from a knee, took a couple riders back with her.  I went on with the pace line to lunch and the inevitable stiffing up.  I knew it would come down fast hard. By the time we were ready to head back, about half hour after we reached the restaurant I ached big time.  I headed for the train home. What mentally hurt was the woman I thought of as my girlfriend road on without me. A new girl in the club offer to stay with me.

Later I assessed the damage. Monetary, it comes to about $80. Not including the emergency room visit.  Hopefully Medicare will take care of that, and they did want Alice's full name. No I didn't give it up but I will talk to her if my out of pocket cost escalate.
Physical damage; sore right knee and shoulder. No rides or workouts for a week. Which will set me back for the century training that I was doing.
Mental damage; Of course this is depressing.  I have to sit at home alone for a longer time than I normally would.  In pain.  Maybe it will do me some good. Maybe I'll find something to do that will keep me from gaining weight. Maybe I find some of the important papers I need.  Do some work on the web site that I've been putting off.  Fix the bad relationship with my brother...Maybe not.

Fear

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." 
— Frank Herbert (Dune)

Created by Jason Hise A 3D project of a 24-cell
performing a double rotation about two
orthogonal planes

For a little while back in 1970 there was nothing that I would rather do than read Dune.  Well, other than try and cop a feel off a neighborhood girl or older woman.  But I would only let me get cheap temporary thrills.  Dune took me out of my, Don't know what to do with this life, life. and into a world where I felt, 'This is a way more fun and it ain't even real,' world.


There was problem I had with escaping to a Dune.  When I got back, the fears I had kicked to the sand while there, still had to be dealt with in earth life. That's when I'd say to myself, "Fear is the mind killer." " I can handle my world, deal with anything, anybody,  in my bedroom."  I'd proceed to leave my room feeling  no safer on earth than at any other time.  I knew sooner or later I would get back to Arrakis. AKA Dune.  I just had to deal with siblings, parents, school, friend, health, and other humans.  


To deal with all the above I made moves toward the arts. Outside of when I acted like a teen, back in the days of LSD, AKA acid.  Like any thoughtful head freak on acid, a thing like the 24-cell would have held my attention for hours. Pure and beautiful art work. (To bad in didn't exist back then.) For me to stare at it would not be enough.  I would need to know how to make one. Once learned I would set in the  back of my mind like an old toy. Only taking it out to use like another item on the list of life time wasters. All destined to become part self disappointment. some day to be recognized as contributing factor to my friend, depression.  


I would add learning to draw, learning to play piano, saxophone, and guitar (which I still doing off and on), tell jokes, masturbation (completely self taught). But aren't these attempts at learning new things suppose to help in dealing mental illness?  No, I didn't know back then that I wasn't all there.  Back then I thought... no knew, everyone else was crazy.  I only need drugs, sex and everything I could think of to help me be or not to be like them. That is what I thought.  I was wrong. I need love. 


I needed love to help deal with fear. Like Herbert said, "Fear is the mind killer." My mind was on a stretcher and life support and still is.  Using anything other than love was and is a small inner tube patch on a big hole. 
I'm afraid it won't hold. 

Rough Night, Great Day

I do not know myself and God forbid that I should.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

In a few moments, I'm gonna peal a big, sweet, cool, orange and eat it.  A few minutes ago I posted an add on craigslist to sell my car.  This would normally break my heart.  I do love my Lexus.  But it's 60 degrees and the sun is out.  I had a great 55 mile bike ride this morning, (I really like The Evanston Bike Club.) The flat I had on the way home didn't even phase me.  3 cars stop and asked if I need help or a lift somewhere. Then, a Evanston City worker offers me the use of the air compressor in the city truck.

I stopped at Pony Shop, a bike shop on my way home to get a new spare tube and patches.  In the shop a guy speaks up and saying he had just past me fixing my flat. We got into a conversation outside the store and it turned out quite pleasant. What a great day!!

I started this day in fear. Last night I lay wake thinking that I shouldn't ride, my karma is to bad, I made a promised a friend I show up.  She'll understand, maybe. I need to change my luck. I need to fix my Karma,  I need to get that car sold, I'm in so much trouble financially.  I have to work on making money.  I have another damn cold as if I didn't have every cold there ever was this year already.  Aren't my other physical ills enough..  It's all to much. Another bunch of problems and not enough solutions.  A bad situation and thinking for my type of mentality. What to do? Then telling myself,  "Don't go there."  I focused on just starting the day.

 A few night before I and a bad dream.  Just got in my car in this dream, started driving down the street, entering the intersection there was water rushing toward me from all sides. Quickly deciding to run for it, I opened the door but it was to late.  Water had already lifting the car and starting to move it quickly down the street.  Something woke me and I'm very glad it did.  Thinking the water was obviously from the Japan tsunami tragedy, but in a dream of a inlander it had to mean something other than water.  

That dream has been affecting my decisions and my actions.  I wouldn't have gotten on my bike if I hadn't felt I needed to move the car. {It's boot-able.)  Since I was moving it might as well move it closer to the start of the ride.  Maybe eliminate the flood of whatever it may be.  In the dream my car was in front of a  friends house.  This morning it was in front of a repair shop so I felt a little safe.  I know, what a chicken shit way of thinking but it worked for me. Got me up and out.

Got myself home. The Lexus is on Craigslist, and this orange is great!

An Escape

 I'm gonna be hoping  for an alternate death reality.  Even more, now the urge reach beyond my "potential suicide" status is even greater.  I saw that movie Source Code.and it has given me a new kind of  hope

Sort of  like it for the action, almost thriller, sci-fi blend.   More importantly I was left with hope. Not the kind of hope that gives a depressed person reason to live.  Come on, that's too far-fetched for any movie.  If it were possible for a film to break my dismal outlook, at least one of  the thousands of movies I've seen including, It's A Wonderful Life, (Already discussed see Since 1972.) would've done it for me long ago.  Let's pause, celebrate, and thank,  my dismal outlook for the many hours I've spent staring at the movie screens for escape instead a noose.

The hope that Source Code delivered for me is one of an alternate reality  in or with death.  Nothing new in any form of fiction .  But the way it was done, in my opinion was cool.  Just a pause and your're already there.  No lights out, no light at the end of a tunnel, no judgement day, heaven or hell, or what have you. You're just there.  In this movie you enter into the reality of a tragic event that happened just recently.  A dying air force pilot is kept alive on life support.  His brain is plugged in to a computer that is reconstructing the recent tragic event. His mission is to fine and stop cause.  He's sent back several times finally gets the job done.  For his reward he is aloud to die by the hand of a sympathetic fellow officer.  Of course this being a Hollywood flick he gets the girl that's already dead..

This movie has sequel written all over it, and/or probably a TV series.  I'll never watch it.

Back to what got to me about the movie. It was the style of getting to life after death which blew me away. (No pun intended.) Wired to a computer where a world is being created and running, (Spinning if you like.) Dying mans psyche hook up and downloaded just let go of the physical body in this world. Pause and there. No, this nothing for a reasonable suicide to hang his/her hat on,  but with this being Science fiction we can hope.  Props to the writer Ben Ripley.

.

Other Than Sickly?

Why kill yourself? Life will do it for you.

My thoughts last night as I lay awake staring at the ceiling wishing I had placed star scape up there,  were about illnesses.  Yep just mine, and not only the mental one(s). Damn if I don't have a cold right now. Had it for the past 4 days. 

I tend to think I have enough ills going on don't need colds to.  So as a reminder please wash your hands, cover your face when sneezing and coughing.  Why not stay home, relax and grab a box of tissues, crack open a carton of OJ, watch something mind numbing,  toss the tissues at an image of the person the gave you the disease or the TV.  It's important to those of us that have a lower immune system that you take of yourself.. Please remember when your back in your car, use your turn signals. 

The lower immune system I mentioned is due to a couple of organ transplants.  It happened once in 08 and once in 07.  I'll tell you which organ but you have to ask.  That first Transplant you would think was the obvious result to a life of debauchery.  I kind of thought so too.  In the years since I've become sure of it. But my true wonder here is;  Why was this seemingly intelligent me defiling my existence off and on throughout life?  One time period acting as a proud black family man and another a lascivious street smart hustler. At times a rock & rolling drug user, other times serious hard working adult, at times a collage student get involved in social justice. Other times in something that could be very deadly like suicide.  Or was it all a slow march to death and I'm now in one of the phases that is detrimental because I'm tiring of the slow pace again. 

OK so pace of getting to the end runs on it's own punch clock. Within the lifetime that I've experienced the above illness was obviously mental. A lot of it was way fun. Oh but the physical ills sucked.  No fun at all. One of my first memories; I three years old.  Had awoke from a dream and went to tell my  mother about the dream.  In this dream two creatures came before me as if coming from the gates of creation. 

They are talking as if they had finally found where I had gotten to and were deciding what to do about me. Whether to take me back or leave me.  One of the creatures was tall and thin had big floppy ears his other features were like a cartoon dog.  The other one shorter was rounder and ears were like a teddy bears but had the dog features as well. What do you expect I was 3 yrs old. They didn't want to scare me.  I remember one of them saying "I don't think he's not ready yet."  They thought a while then decided to see how I would do. Adding something like, "If he messes up we can come back and get him."

After telling Mom that I was taken to the hospital and after several return trips, it was decided I had a rheumatic heart.  I think the gate creatures gave it to me so they would be a reason for taking me if I fucked up. Guess I did alright they ain't been back. But there's been a many a test.

There were the treatments for the rheumatic heart.  A penicillin shot in the butt once a month for I don't know how long.  The bouts with pneumonia. The can't go out to play because I was, "sickly."   The come in and take a nap because you are, "sickly."  Of course there was, "Here hang out in the kitchen with grandma because you're, "sickly."  From my siblings which I still hear it from, "They always treated you best cause you were sickly."  Every now and then a friend will say, "Man you are sick.  There is something else wrong with you."   An ex-wife or girlfriend will say something like,  "You're not all in." or  "Something is not quite right I got to let you go."  A boss will say, "You're management material but I don't know about you so. We're letting you go."

All in what?   All in to you,  So you can say someday, "You are sick."   Let me go where?  Just out there. I'm already there. 

Ya Can't Hide

Time is a great teacher but unfortunately it kills all it's pupils...-Louis Hector Berlioz

While researching the rate of death by 'I can't stand life like this anymore so I'm taking mine.' Which I think is a right and only inbred selfishness and/or control freaks and love ones says it's not a right.  I went to the National Institute of Mental Health site.  Found what I thought was happening;  Of course we humans are offing ourselves at a growing rate.  Other life forms on Earth are probably feeling/thinking;  I hope they don't take us with them. If humans don't take us out with them, it ain't happening fast enough.  I feel for them. The other life forms of earth.  Wish I could help by taking All of us homo-sapiens sapiens out.   

Wait, I should rethink this ALL thing.  There are great, good and undeserving beings they should not be sentence to death by me and my 'I can't stand life anymore so I'm taking mine.'

No I would not do it by a terrorist act. (Don't want the FBI at my door.)  I'd want everyone to see it coming for at least a couple of days.  Have the ones I'm taking out thinking about the fucked up shit they've been perpetrating on the U.S.and planet.mostly in the name of money. I'll list just a few of those that I'd gladly take alone.

The world leaders that run dictatorships. Big Corporations and that pollute on a massive scale. Multi million and billionaires that do not share the wealth or do so on such a small scale it serves very little.    Mostly, in the U.S. republicans whom I see as being a greedy, selfish, uncaring, intrusive human being.  When you know better.  OK some of you don't know better you're just fuck-up. The aristocratic wealthy and there republicans demagogue party, paying others to do and want be the same.  It's really bad when the others don't know better. The others being the poor and middle class folk.  The Tea Party republicans come to mind. They know they can't afford to be a greedy, selfish, uncaring, intrusive being but do it anyway.  In other words being suck-up republicans.  Wish I could give  them ALL  something to think about for at least a couple of days. Take them to the death that they will have to think about.. Just of this kind republicans and not harm another living thing.

Then again I don't want to share my death with republicans. Don't want to share it. . Just want them and me to change.  

Enough with the depressing thoughts contributed to by the politics of others. Besides there are plenty of Democrats drinking from the same "troff" as Cornell West put it.  The depressing thing that's at issue is the growth of suicide. I'm just saying politics sucks us all down into, 'I can't stand life like this anymore so I'm taking mine.' Or doing something.  As shown suicide as grown, so says Science News.  I also found this disturbing in Science News, Baby Boomers Raise Midlife Suicide Rate, Study Suggests(Sep. 28, 2010) 

I'm Boomer, I can relate, (Can you tell?)  The Boomer life is a struggle . In his/her 50s and early 60's, the economy is sucking, cost of living higher than ever, retirement looming if you're lucky enough to have a job.  The republicans trying to fuck with Social Security,  Medicare, and the retirement age in the name of privatization. Maybe they haven't noticed a whole of private own companies have left the country.  That'll be great when the checks for social security start coming from China. 

Our chosen hero Obama, he has compromised away what must have been very little balls. His sack must be now empty.  The Democrats and Obama had 2 years to fix the filibuster rules, the tax system so the wealth could pay their fair share.  Then they could've  and should have gotten budget done so wouldn't have to be totally on the backs of the poor and middle class. Again no balls and lazy too. This is the kind of shit that's flying around. It really pisses me off!! and I can't, other Boomers can't, and you can't duck nor hide from it.

The Boomer kids, The kids either hate us and/or resent us, for being cooler than they are, They want or need money.  Some are dumb enough to want to be like us. There is also worry about the environment, wars, getting old aches and pains, and of course sex or lack thereof.

Boomer sex is starting to scare me. In the last 11 years I've been through menopause 3 times!  Boomers reached sexual maturity on the cusp of the sexual revolution.  There wouldn't be Baby Boomer without sex in the mix.  There was sexual freedom, free love,  love the one you're with, and R&B music,  rock and roll, and the concerts, and VD.  I handled all of that, and had fun doing it. Except the time it burned to pee and the time with the crabs.  But menopause, after menopause, after menopause, must be the price I have to pay for being depressed and loving women in my age group and still wanting sex.    

My life wouldn't be as right and wrong without sex. Can't hide from that either.

Since 1972

1972 that's the year I put a gun to my head and took to long to pull the trigger.  At 17 years old. average age for teen suicide, I thought I was ready.  Had that first break-up going on that  shredded my heart to pieces.   No clue what to do with my life. Family that didn't seem to give a fuck.  The old heroin addict Walt, who had handed me his gun, snatched it back and said with a smile on his lips and a worried look in his eyes, "You ain't ready yet."

It was after hours in Target Lanes a bowling alley where Walt was the mechanic and I was shoe room clerk, custodian, and general flunky. The owner of  establishments fat daughter stood behind the check in/out counter with that board yet this could be great gossip look.  That look only her way over sized black women can master. The look that says, 'Please, I got something to do, and you bet-not bleed on the new carpet.'

I walked toward the exit, Walt mumbled something at me about going home to bed or go get some pussy and offered some horse.  Bed would be a big waste of time, pussy to hard to find in that neighborhood at that time of night, and horse? My mother would kill me.

I did go home sat in the dark living room staring out the window thinking, "Except for sex which included masturbation  life don't seem worth the trouble.  Not the first time these thoughts were dancing in my head.  A couple years earlier I wanted to do it or join Vista. Thought I need to get away from my life. Advertisements for AmeriCorps Vista were all over the place back then.  So I had a bit of disillusionment with life at 15 and I could go back even further.

The things that comes to me most with my willingness to die and keep me from it are; I'll miss sex and maing love and fucking. food, and being love.  There are other things like movies, music, comedy, art and more. On the other hand  when I half way down, I've had enough of all that shit. OK well music I never get enough of  rarely if ever has it contributed to life depression. Just decided to have some on when I die. If I can. Chances are good.

The other arts, even though I love them, have gotten me down from time to time, For instance the movie It's A Wonderful life. One of my favs. Have to watch it every winter holiday season.  I have identified with George in the scene when he's at the bar feeling there's nowhere to turn. In the scene at the bridge, you can see the pain on his face (Great acting there by Jimmy Stewart.) just before Clarence jumps into the water. Yeah I know the movie is there to show the great life the main character had and the many lives he touched.  I get it. I'm just talking about feelings that won't let up in me and that which touches me.  Maybe because all lives aren't George Bailey's put can be touch or related to for just a moment. Which does not necessarily make it a good thing.   

Many times I've pictured those looks on Georges face recognizing the pain within and wanting to pull the trigger. Definitely/maybe a good thing I don't have a gun?  Don't think a Clarence will show up and there is no Walt to act because I'm taking to long.to pull the trigger.  But there are many other ways.

What's a pre-suicide victim to think?

Don't let anyone tell you that the victim(s) are the one's that are left behind.  That shit pisses me off.  They are still here going on with their happy, sad, great, mad,  poor, bad, rich, had, healthy, fad, lives  The victim is the dead man/woman. Oh sure he/she is a consequence of his own hand. But more a victim of  this world.

Was he/she sexualized at a very early age? Could have been beaten, bullied, abandoned, starved, ugly, fired justly or on, the emotions of the mentality balanced or out balanced of could cause anyone to make a self deathly move. Just as easy as the depressed or next.

My car won't start and I don't have the money to get it fixed. The city keeps putting tickets on it which will of course cost me more money. The reason for not have the funds cost me more funds and I say if I am the victim of my suicide then you get to be the victim if the cause.

Oops I'm getting ahead of my...

I think I'll take a look to see if suicide is on the up swing...