Why kill yourself? Life will do it for you.
My thoughts last night as I lay awake staring at the ceiling wishing I had placed star scape up there, were about illnesses. Yep just mine, and not only the mental one(s). Damn if I don't have a cold right now. Had it for the past 4 days.
I tend to think I have enough ills going on don't need colds to. So as a reminder please wash your hands, cover your face when sneezing and coughing. Why not stay home, relax and grab a box of tissues, crack open a carton of OJ, watch something mind numbing, toss the tissues at an image of the person the gave you the disease or the TV. It's important to those of us that have a lower immune system that you take of yourself.. Please remember when your back in your car, use your turn signals.
The lower immune system I mentioned is due to a couple of organ transplants. It happened once in 08 and once in 07. I'll tell you which organ but you have to ask. That first Transplant you would think was the obvious result to a life of debauchery. I kind of thought so too. In the years since I've become sure of it. But my true wonder here is; Why was this seemingly intelligent me defiling my existence off and on throughout life? One time period acting as a proud black family man and another a lascivious street smart hustler. At times a rock & rolling drug user, other times serious hard working adult, at times a collage student get involved in social justice. Other times in something that could be very deadly like suicide. Or was it all a slow march to death and I'm now in one of the phases that is detrimental because I'm tiring of the slow pace again.
OK so pace of getting to the end runs on it's own punch clock. Within the lifetime that I've experienced the above illness was obviously mental. A lot of it was way fun. Oh but the physical ills sucked. No fun at all. One of my first memories; I three years old. Had awoke from a dream and went to tell my mother about the dream. In this dream two creatures came before me as if coming from the gates of creation.
They are talking as if they had finally found where I had gotten to and were deciding what to do about me. Whether to take me back or leave me. One of the creatures was tall and thin had big floppy ears his other features were like a cartoon dog. The other one shorter was rounder and ears were like a teddy bears but had the dog features as well. What do you expect I was 3 yrs old. They didn't want to scare me. I remember one of them saying "I don't think he's not ready yet." They thought a while then decided to see how I would do. Adding something like, "If he messes up we can come back and get him."
After telling Mom that I was taken to the hospital and after several return trips, it was decided I had a rheumatic heart. I think the gate creatures gave it to me so they would be a reason for taking me if I fucked up. Guess I did alright they ain't been back. But there's been a many a test.
There were the treatments for the rheumatic heart. A penicillin shot in the butt once a month for I don't know how long. The bouts with pneumonia. The can't go out to play because I was, "sickly." The come in and take a nap because you are, "sickly." Of course there was, "Here hang out in the kitchen with grandma because you're, "sickly." From my siblings which I still hear it from, "They always treated you best cause you were sickly." Every now and then a friend will say, "Man you are sick. There is something else wrong with you." An ex-wife or girlfriend will say something like, "You're not all in." or "Something is not quite right I got to let you go." A boss will say, "You're management material but I don't know about you so. We're letting you go."
All in what? All in to you, So you can say someday, "You are sick." Let me go where? Just out there. I'm already there.
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