Fear

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." 
— Frank Herbert (Dune)

Created by Jason Hise A 3D project of a 24-cell
performing a double rotation about two
orthogonal planes

For a little while back in 1970 there was nothing that I would rather do than read Dune.  Well, other than try and cop a feel off a neighborhood girl or older woman.  But I would only let me get cheap temporary thrills.  Dune took me out of my, Don't know what to do with this life, life. and into a world where I felt, 'This is a way more fun and it ain't even real,' world.


There was problem I had with escaping to a Dune.  When I got back, the fears I had kicked to the sand while there, still had to be dealt with in earth life. That's when I'd say to myself, "Fear is the mind killer." " I can handle my world, deal with anything, anybody,  in my bedroom."  I'd proceed to leave my room feeling  no safer on earth than at any other time.  I knew sooner or later I would get back to Arrakis. AKA Dune.  I just had to deal with siblings, parents, school, friend, health, and other humans.  


To deal with all the above I made moves toward the arts. Outside of when I acted like a teen, back in the days of LSD, AKA acid.  Like any thoughtful head freak on acid, a thing like the 24-cell would have held my attention for hours. Pure and beautiful art work. (To bad in didn't exist back then.) For me to stare at it would not be enough.  I would need to know how to make one. Once learned I would set in the  back of my mind like an old toy. Only taking it out to use like another item on the list of life time wasters. All destined to become part self disappointment. some day to be recognized as contributing factor to my friend, depression.  


I would add learning to draw, learning to play piano, saxophone, and guitar (which I still doing off and on), tell jokes, masturbation (completely self taught). But aren't these attempts at learning new things suppose to help in dealing mental illness?  No, I didn't know back then that I wasn't all there.  Back then I thought... no knew, everyone else was crazy.  I only need drugs, sex and everything I could think of to help me be or not to be like them. That is what I thought.  I was wrong. I need love. 


I needed love to help deal with fear. Like Herbert said, "Fear is the mind killer." My mind was on a stretcher and life support and still is.  Using anything other than love was and is a small inner tube patch on a big hole. 
I'm afraid it won't hold.