There was a struggle in side my head last night. The kind of struggle that we all know ain't healthy. One part of the mind thinking the strictly negative. Another fighting to keep rational thoughts flowing. In a corner shrieking, shrinking, and sinking was love.
With the events of the day sparking thoughts of worthlessness. Another argument with my brother about money. Somehow I've got to move out. For the first time in my life I hate someone more than I hate myself. Negativity had control of my thoughts as I fell asleep around 9pm. Those thoughts disturbed most of my dream time. I awoke at 1am with the thought, "I'm ready to die." The pain in my right leg and shoulder from the bike a accident.3 day earlier and 3 ibuprofen did not help get me back to sleep. So I lay there thinking, of course, that gave the negativity more strength and drive.
Rational thought reminded me that I need help. Also in my head was the thought, 'As long as I don't have a plan then I'm alright. Right? All I need to do is to first deal with the money shit. How would I do that? Get a job? Sure I'm working on it. In the meantime I needed to stop this pain in my shoulder so I can turn so I can turn onto my side. Mostly I needed to stop this worthlessness that permeates my low self esteem. Finish this glass of wine on the bedside table. Then maybe come up with a plan to do that suicide.
Yeah I know it's when you got a plan is when your in trouble. I don't have one yet, not fully. I did rule out guns. I got this thing about a soul needing time to leave the body. A bullet would be to fast. I'm toying with doing it in my sleep with pills. Yesterday I walked to the bank on the way I had to crossed a canal. Yeah I thought of jumping and George Bailey and there was no Clarence. Drowning would be too slow and I think painful.
So I'm working on it.and my rational thought is too. It keeps saying fight for the things you love. There are a few I love. I won't get into that now, now I'm going just try to put light in that corner where the love is.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
Accident
I've been keeping myself busy lately. Not just to fight off depression, summer is coming and I have a gut. A little one but it's there. I've been doing 5 and 6 mile walks once or twice a week. Making it to the health club 3 and 4 times a week. Mostly I was getting miles in on bike. Until Wednesday. That's when it all came to a painful stop.
It was on a Evanston Bike Club fast Wednesday ride. 40 miles round trip from Wilmette IL to Lake Bluff and back. I did half the ride. We were on the Skokie Vallie bike trail doing a pace line. The rider ahead of me, don't want to name names, (Alice) clipped the rider ahead of her back wheel and down she went. With my front wheel less than a wheel length from her's, and moving at 17.5 mph, when she went down blocking the path I went down.
Gloved hands on the ground no problem. Right knee that I had wrapped an ace bandage around because it was a little sore before I pulled on my cool weather tights, hit the ground ouch! big time. I thought I'd really recked my knee for a few mins. I saw a peace of my bike on the ground and felt nothing. Alice kept apologizing to me to the point where other riders were telling her to shut-up!
I got up, checked my bike, my body and was ready to ride. Alice bleeding from a knee, took a couple riders back with her. I went on with the pace line to lunch and the inevitable stiffing up. I knew it would come down fast hard. By the time we were ready to head back, about half hour after we reached the restaurant I ached big time. I headed for the train home. What mentally hurt was the woman I thought of as my girlfriend road on without me. A new girl in the club offer to stay with me.
Later I assessed the damage. Monetary, it comes to about $80. Not including the emergency room visit. Hopefully Medicare will take care of that, and they did want Alice's full name. No I didn't give it up but I will talk to her if my out of pocket cost escalate.
Physical damage; sore right knee and shoulder. No rides or workouts for a week. Which will set me back for the century training that I was doing.
Mental damage; Of course this is depressing. I have to sit at home alone for a longer time than I normally would. In pain. Maybe it will do me some good. Maybe I'll find something to do that will keep me from gaining weight. Maybe I find some of the important papers I need. Do some work on the web site that I've been putting off. Fix the bad relationship with my brother...Maybe not.
It was on a Evanston Bike Club fast Wednesday ride. 40 miles round trip from Wilmette IL to Lake Bluff and back. I did half the ride. We were on the Skokie Vallie bike trail doing a pace line. The rider ahead of me, don't want to name names, (Alice) clipped the rider ahead of her back wheel and down she went. With my front wheel less than a wheel length from her's, and moving at 17.5 mph, when she went down blocking the path I went down.
Gloved hands on the ground no problem. Right knee that I had wrapped an ace bandage around because it was a little sore before I pulled on my cool weather tights, hit the ground ouch! big time. I thought I'd really recked my knee for a few mins. I saw a peace of my bike on the ground and felt nothing. Alice kept apologizing to me to the point where other riders were telling her to shut-up!
I got up, checked my bike, my body and was ready to ride. Alice bleeding from a knee, took a couple riders back with her. I went on with the pace line to lunch and the inevitable stiffing up. I knew it would come down fast hard. By the time we were ready to head back, about half hour after we reached the restaurant I ached big time. I headed for the train home. What mentally hurt was the woman I thought of as my girlfriend road on without me. A new girl in the club offer to stay with me.
Later I assessed the damage. Monetary, it comes to about $80. Not including the emergency room visit. Hopefully Medicare will take care of that, and they did want Alice's full name. No I didn't give it up but I will talk to her if my out of pocket cost escalate.
Physical damage; sore right knee and shoulder. No rides or workouts for a week. Which will set me back for the century training that I was doing.
Mental damage; Of course this is depressing. I have to sit at home alone for a longer time than I normally would. In pain. Maybe it will do me some good. Maybe I'll find something to do that will keep me from gaining weight. Maybe I find some of the important papers I need. Do some work on the web site that I've been putting off. Fix the bad relationship with my brother...Maybe not.
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