1972 that's the year I put a gun to my head and took to long to pull the trigger. At 17 years old. average age for teen suicide, I thought I was ready. Had that first break-up going on that shredded my heart to pieces. No clue what to do with my life. Family that didn't seem to give a fuck. The old heroin addict Walt, who had handed me his gun, snatched it back and said with a smile on his lips and a worried look in his eyes, "You ain't ready yet."
It was after hours in Target Lanes a bowling alley where Walt was the mechanic and I was shoe room clerk, custodian, and general flunky. The owner of establishments fat daughter stood behind the check in/out counter with that board yet this could be great gossip look. That look only her way over sized black women can master. The look that says, 'Please, I got something to do, and you bet-not bleed on the new carpet.'
I walked toward the exit, Walt mumbled something at me about going home to bed or go get some pussy and offered some horse. Bed would be a big waste of time, pussy to hard to find in that neighborhood at that time of night, and horse? My mother would kill me.
I did go home sat in the dark living room staring out the window thinking, "Except for sex which included masturbation life don't seem worth the trouble. Not the first time these thoughts were dancing in my head. A couple years earlier I wanted to do it or join Vista. Thought I need to get away from my life. Advertisements for AmeriCorps Vista were all over the place back then. So I had a bit of disillusionment with life at 15 and I could go back even further.
The things that comes to me most with my willingness to die and keep me from it are; I'll miss sex and maing love and fucking. food, and being love. There are other things like movies, music, comedy, art and more. On the other hand when I half way down, I've had enough of all that shit. OK well music I never get enough of rarely if ever has it contributed to life depression. Just decided to have some on when I die. If I can. Chances are good.
The other arts, even though I love them, have gotten me down from time to time, For instance the movie It's A Wonderful life. One of my favs. Have to watch it every winter holiday season. I have identified with George in the scene when he's at the bar feeling there's nowhere to turn. In the scene at the bridge, you can see the pain on his face (Great acting there by Jimmy Stewart.) just before Clarence jumps into the water. Yeah I know the movie is there to show the great life the main character had and the many lives he touched. I get it. I'm just talking about feelings that won't let up in me and that which touches me. Maybe because all lives aren't George Bailey's put can be touch or related to for just a moment. Which does not necessarily make it a good thing.
Many times I've pictured those looks on Georges face recognizing the pain within and wanting to pull the trigger. Definitely/maybe a good thing I don't have a gun? Don't think a Clarence will show up and there is no Walt to act because I'm taking to long.to pull the trigger. But there are many other ways.
What's a pre-suicide victim to think?
Don't let anyone tell you that the victim(s) are the one's that are left behind. That shit pisses me off. They are still here going on with their happy, sad, great, mad, poor, bad, rich, had, healthy, fad, lives The victim is the dead man/woman. Oh sure he/she is a consequence of his own hand. But more a victim of this world.
Was he/she sexualized at a very early age? Could have been beaten, bullied, abandoned, starved, ugly, fired justly or on, the emotions of the mentality balanced or out balanced of could cause anyone to make a self deathly move. Just as easy as the depressed or next.
My car won't start and I don't have the money to get it fixed. The city keeps putting tickets on it which will of course cost me more money. The reason for not have the funds cost me more funds and I say if I am the victim of my suicide then you get to be the victim if the cause.
Oops I'm getting ahead of my...
I think I'll take a look to see if suicide is on the up swing...
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