A Bad Night

There was a struggle in side my head last night.  The kind of struggle that we all know ain't healthy. One part of the mind thinking the strictly negative.  Another fighting to keep rational thoughts flowing.  In a corner shrieking, shrinking, and sinking was love.  

With the events of the day sparking thoughts of worthlessness. Another argument with my brother about money.  Somehow I've got to move out.  For the first time in my life I hate someone more than I hate myself.     Negativity had control of my thoughts as I fell asleep around 9pm. Those thoughts disturbed most of my dream time.  I awoke at 1am with the thought, "I'm ready to die."  The pain in my right leg and shoulder from the bike a accident.3 day earlier and 3 ibuprofen did not help get me back to sleep.  So I lay there thinking, of course, that gave the negativity more strength and drive.  

Rational thought reminded me that I need help. Also in my head was the thought, 'As long as I don't have a plan then I'm alright. Right?  All I need to do is to first deal with the money shit.  How would I do that?  Get a job? Sure I'm working on it.  In the meantime I needed to stop this pain in my shoulder so I can turn so I can turn onto my side.  Mostly I needed to stop this worthlessness that  permeates my low self esteem.  Finish this glass of wine on the bedside table. Then maybe come up with a plan to do that suicide.

Yeah I know it's when you got a plan is when your in trouble.  I don't have one yet, not fully.  I did rule out guns. I got this thing about a soul needing time to leave the body. A bullet would be to fast.  I'm toying with doing it in my sleep with pills. Yesterday I walked to the bank on the way I had to crossed a canal.  Yeah I thought of jumping and George Bailey and there was no Clarence.  Drowning would be too slow and I think painful.

So I'm working on it.and my rational thought is too. It keeps saying fight for the things you love. There are a few I love.  I won't get into that now, now I'm going just try to put light in that corner where the love is.