Every Day

Every single day I say aloud, "I hate myself." Every single day I think either, "Just do it,"  or "Get it done."  I try to decide how, the choices are so many.  Every single day I hope for a better tomorrow.  Hump. Someday I will stop  every single day.

Never Home

Got dropped off at my place last night after a OK Italian dinner.  I had spaghetti with pesto really bland but after I doctored it with lots of parmesan, salt and pepper, and hot pepper corn it was almost good.  My dining partner had spaghetti with red meat sauce with added broccoli.  We both had salad and split a desert.  She paid, I'm broke. then she drop me home.  Started watching a movie wanting to make myself very tired before I went to bed.  When I nodded off after only a third of latest Pirates of the Caribbean I was glad that I wouldn't be up and in my own head very late.  Just not use to being home alone.  

There was a half hearted offer to stay the night at her place.   I reluctantly agreed with her to take me home.  Obviously I would've rather gone to her place but having been there for over 3 weeks and she was saying she needed, "some alone time."  I would have to suck it up.  The thing is, alone time is what I'm trying to avoid.   I do share a nice apt. with my brother and I think he is a big A-hole and of course there is the depression thing that keeps me from not wanting to be alone.   Hate my living situation in and outside of my head and home

Home is not were my heart is.  The heart hurts at home where my brother once stated, "You are dead to me." (Love you too)  At home there are no words of any kind.  No acknowledgments of any kind are ever past between us.  More importantly; right now my head and heart are struggling with a breakup from woman that love was acknowledged by my heart.  My head wasn't smart enough to do what she needed.  To make and excuse for that, the heart is also dealing with my health fears.  My heart is also fighting with the lack of self-confidence that possesses my entire being.   It is painful, the lack will to live my life.  There is little or no drive that exist within me these days.  The little there is,  goes to ride my bike or workout.   That is something.

Not enough.  When I awoke at 3am this morning I was in quite a bit of pain.  My left side Latissimus dorsi  muscle ached sharply from yesterdays workout and sleeping on my futon with its wood frame.  What little sleep there was, was pitiful and painful till 7:30am when I took a hydrocodone thinking I should take the rest of them.  Yes suicide was the prevailing thought in my head this morning.  Has been and more than usual sense the breakup.  Made myself not count the remaining pills but guessed at about 20.  Plenty.  After laying there a while longer I made myself get up to clean my room or play the guitar. 

Damn I was feeling lonely.  Still am I guess.  I choose to clean the room because I couldn't lay there any longer and didn't want to look at nor smell the stuff that piled up for weeks from my running in grabbing and dropping off clothing then rushing out.  While cleaning I couldn't help but realize that I would have make a decision soon.  I will have to either get the suicide done or get some help.

It's Been A While

This summer I've been going after fun for the most part.  I stop short of trying for total fun for 3 reasons;  1. I don't live comfortably at the place.  2. I've had 2 accidents on my bike already.  Broke my wrist on the second accidents.  The cast comes off August 30. in time for the end of the summer rides.  3. My liver function numbers are elevated.  I've had to get blood sucked out of me every week for the last 9.  

Summer because of it's weather is for out doors. Unless you live in the southwest and the temps are in the 100s.  For me, in Chicago, the weather has been good, a little rainy which made for luscious greens.  Just got back from a walk in the neighborhood park.  The part looks great.   Would've been great to be riding my bike these last 5 weeks.  So instead of riding around the north shore I spent time in the health club.  

Evanston Athletic Club (EAC) helped keep me in shape (some.)   Got me doing something other that walking in the park which I really like but it ain't riding.  There is also all those athletic women at EAC.   Way more fun than going for blood drawls.  Speaking of women,  this summer I had the pleasure of  the company of 2 great women. No!  I'm was only having sex with one of them.  The other has been a very good friend.   All this is part of the plan to keep my mind moving in a positive direction.  

It worked.  This summer has been good for me mentally had fun for a lot of it.  Now bring on the rest of it. 

         

A Bad Night

There was a struggle in side my head last night.  The kind of struggle that we all know ain't healthy. One part of the mind thinking the strictly negative.  Another fighting to keep rational thoughts flowing.  In a corner shrieking, shrinking, and sinking was love.  

With the events of the day sparking thoughts of worthlessness. Another argument with my brother about money.  Somehow I've got to move out.  For the first time in my life I hate someone more than I hate myself.     Negativity had control of my thoughts as I fell asleep around 9pm. Those thoughts disturbed most of my dream time.  I awoke at 1am with the thought, "I'm ready to die."  The pain in my right leg and shoulder from the bike a accident.3 day earlier and 3 ibuprofen did not help get me back to sleep.  So I lay there thinking, of course, that gave the negativity more strength and drive.  

Rational thought reminded me that I need help. Also in my head was the thought, 'As long as I don't have a plan then I'm alright. Right?  All I need to do is to first deal with the money shit.  How would I do that?  Get a job? Sure I'm working on it.  In the meantime I needed to stop this pain in my shoulder so I can turn so I can turn onto my side.  Mostly I needed to stop this worthlessness that  permeates my low self esteem.  Finish this glass of wine on the bedside table. Then maybe come up with a plan to do that suicide.

Yeah I know it's when you got a plan is when your in trouble.  I don't have one yet, not fully.  I did rule out guns. I got this thing about a soul needing time to leave the body. A bullet would be to fast.  I'm toying with doing it in my sleep with pills. Yesterday I walked to the bank on the way I had to crossed a canal.  Yeah I thought of jumping and George Bailey and there was no Clarence.  Drowning would be too slow and I think painful.

So I'm working on it.and my rational thought is too. It keeps saying fight for the things you love. There are a few I love.  I won't get into that now, now I'm going just try to put light in that corner where the love is.

Accident

I've been keeping myself busy lately.  Not just to fight off depression, summer is coming and I have a gut. A little one but it's there.  I've been doing 5 and 6 mile walks once or twice a week.  Making it to the health club 3 and 4 times a week.  Mostly I was getting miles in on bike.  Until Wednesday.  That's when it all came to a painful stop.

It was on a Evanston Bike Club fast Wednesday ride.  40 miles round trip from Wilmette IL to Lake Bluff and back.  I did half the ride.  We were on the Skokie Vallie bike trail doing a pace line.  The rider ahead of me, don't want to name names, (Alice) clipped the rider ahead of her back wheel and down she went.  With my front wheel less than a wheel length from her's, and moving at 17.5 mph, when she went down blocking the path I went down.

Gloved hands on the ground no problem. Right knee that I had wrapped an ace bandage around because it was a little sore before I pulled on my cool weather tights, hit the ground ouch! big time.  I thought I'd really recked my knee for a few mins. I saw a peace of my bike on the ground and felt nothing.  Alice kept apologizing  to me to the point where other riders were telling her to shut-up!

I got up, checked my bike, my body and was ready to ride.  Alice bleeding from a knee, took a couple riders back with her.  I went on with the pace line to lunch and the inevitable stiffing up.  I knew it would come down fast hard. By the time we were ready to head back, about half hour after we reached the restaurant I ached big time.  I headed for the train home. What mentally hurt was the woman I thought of as my girlfriend road on without me. A new girl in the club offer to stay with me.

Later I assessed the damage. Monetary, it comes to about $80. Not including the emergency room visit.  Hopefully Medicare will take care of that, and they did want Alice's full name. No I didn't give it up but I will talk to her if my out of pocket cost escalate.
Physical damage; sore right knee and shoulder. No rides or workouts for a week. Which will set me back for the century training that I was doing.
Mental damage; Of course this is depressing.  I have to sit at home alone for a longer time than I normally would.  In pain.  Maybe it will do me some good. Maybe I'll find something to do that will keep me from gaining weight. Maybe I find some of the important papers I need.  Do some work on the web site that I've been putting off.  Fix the bad relationship with my brother...Maybe not.

Fear

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." 
— Frank Herbert (Dune)

Created by Jason Hise A 3D project of a 24-cell
performing a double rotation about two
orthogonal planes

For a little while back in 1970 there was nothing that I would rather do than read Dune.  Well, other than try and cop a feel off a neighborhood girl or older woman.  But I would only let me get cheap temporary thrills.  Dune took me out of my, Don't know what to do with this life, life. and into a world where I felt, 'This is a way more fun and it ain't even real,' world.


There was problem I had with escaping to a Dune.  When I got back, the fears I had kicked to the sand while there, still had to be dealt with in earth life. That's when I'd say to myself, "Fear is the mind killer." " I can handle my world, deal with anything, anybody,  in my bedroom."  I'd proceed to leave my room feeling  no safer on earth than at any other time.  I knew sooner or later I would get back to Arrakis. AKA Dune.  I just had to deal with siblings, parents, school, friend, health, and other humans.  


To deal with all the above I made moves toward the arts. Outside of when I acted like a teen, back in the days of LSD, AKA acid.  Like any thoughtful head freak on acid, a thing like the 24-cell would have held my attention for hours. Pure and beautiful art work. (To bad in didn't exist back then.) For me to stare at it would not be enough.  I would need to know how to make one. Once learned I would set in the  back of my mind like an old toy. Only taking it out to use like another item on the list of life time wasters. All destined to become part self disappointment. some day to be recognized as contributing factor to my friend, depression.  


I would add learning to draw, learning to play piano, saxophone, and guitar (which I still doing off and on), tell jokes, masturbation (completely self taught). But aren't these attempts at learning new things suppose to help in dealing mental illness?  No, I didn't know back then that I wasn't all there.  Back then I thought... no knew, everyone else was crazy.  I only need drugs, sex and everything I could think of to help me be or not to be like them. That is what I thought.  I was wrong. I need love. 


I needed love to help deal with fear. Like Herbert said, "Fear is the mind killer." My mind was on a stretcher and life support and still is.  Using anything other than love was and is a small inner tube patch on a big hole. 
I'm afraid it won't hold. 

Rough Night, Great Day

I do not know myself and God forbid that I should.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

In a few moments, I'm gonna peal a big, sweet, cool, orange and eat it.  A few minutes ago I posted an add on craigslist to sell my car.  This would normally break my heart.  I do love my Lexus.  But it's 60 degrees and the sun is out.  I had a great 55 mile bike ride this morning, (I really like The Evanston Bike Club.) The flat I had on the way home didn't even phase me.  3 cars stop and asked if I need help or a lift somewhere. Then, a Evanston City worker offers me the use of the air compressor in the city truck.

I stopped at Pony Shop, a bike shop on my way home to get a new spare tube and patches.  In the shop a guy speaks up and saying he had just past me fixing my flat. We got into a conversation outside the store and it turned out quite pleasant. What a great day!!

I started this day in fear. Last night I lay wake thinking that I shouldn't ride, my karma is to bad, I made a promised a friend I show up.  She'll understand, maybe. I need to change my luck. I need to fix my Karma,  I need to get that car sold, I'm in so much trouble financially.  I have to work on making money.  I have another damn cold as if I didn't have every cold there ever was this year already.  Aren't my other physical ills enough..  It's all to much. Another bunch of problems and not enough solutions.  A bad situation and thinking for my type of mentality. What to do? Then telling myself,  "Don't go there."  I focused on just starting the day.

 A few night before I and a bad dream.  Just got in my car in this dream, started driving down the street, entering the intersection there was water rushing toward me from all sides. Quickly deciding to run for it, I opened the door but it was to late.  Water had already lifting the car and starting to move it quickly down the street.  Something woke me and I'm very glad it did.  Thinking the water was obviously from the Japan tsunami tragedy, but in a dream of a inlander it had to mean something other than water.  

That dream has been affecting my decisions and my actions.  I wouldn't have gotten on my bike if I hadn't felt I needed to move the car. {It's boot-able.)  Since I was moving it might as well move it closer to the start of the ride.  Maybe eliminate the flood of whatever it may be.  In the dream my car was in front of a  friends house.  This morning it was in front of a repair shop so I felt a little safe.  I know, what a chicken shit way of thinking but it worked for me. Got me up and out.

Got myself home. The Lexus is on Craigslist, and this orange is great!