Never Home

Got dropped off at my place last night after a OK Italian dinner.  I had spaghetti with pesto really bland but after I doctored it with lots of parmesan, salt and pepper, and hot pepper corn it was almost good.  My dining partner had spaghetti with red meat sauce with added broccoli.  We both had salad and split a desert.  She paid, I'm broke. then she drop me home.  Started watching a movie wanting to make myself very tired before I went to bed.  When I nodded off after only a third of latest Pirates of the Caribbean I was glad that I wouldn't be up and in my own head very late.  Just not use to being home alone.  

There was a half hearted offer to stay the night at her place.   I reluctantly agreed with her to take me home.  Obviously I would've rather gone to her place but having been there for over 3 weeks and she was saying she needed, "some alone time."  I would have to suck it up.  The thing is, alone time is what I'm trying to avoid.   I do share a nice apt. with my brother and I think he is a big A-hole and of course there is the depression thing that keeps me from not wanting to be alone.   Hate my living situation in and outside of my head and home

Home is not were my heart is.  The heart hurts at home where my brother once stated, "You are dead to me." (Love you too)  At home there are no words of any kind.  No acknowledgments of any kind are ever past between us.  More importantly; right now my head and heart are struggling with a breakup from woman that love was acknowledged by my heart.  My head wasn't smart enough to do what she needed.  To make and excuse for that, the heart is also dealing with my health fears.  My heart is also fighting with the lack of self-confidence that possesses my entire being.   It is painful, the lack will to live my life.  There is little or no drive that exist within me these days.  The little there is,  goes to ride my bike or workout.   That is something.

Not enough.  When I awoke at 3am this morning I was in quite a bit of pain.  My left side Latissimus dorsi  muscle ached sharply from yesterdays workout and sleeping on my futon with its wood frame.  What little sleep there was, was pitiful and painful till 7:30am when I took a hydrocodone thinking I should take the rest of them.  Yes suicide was the prevailing thought in my head this morning.  Has been and more than usual sense the breakup.  Made myself not count the remaining pills but guessed at about 20.  Plenty.  After laying there a while longer I made myself get up to clean my room or play the guitar. 

Damn I was feeling lonely.  Still am I guess.  I choose to clean the room because I couldn't lay there any longer and didn't want to look at nor smell the stuff that piled up for weeks from my running in grabbing and dropping off clothing then rushing out.  While cleaning I couldn't help but realize that I would have make a decision soon.  I will have to either get the suicide done or get some help.